Blog series: Lessons in alignment. Conscious Reflection: When Affection Isn’t Compatibility

I loved Ashaki deeply.
And Ashaki loved me too, in her own way.

There were moments of closeness, softness, and connection that warmed my heart. The gentle rub against my leg. The quiet presence in the room. The way she would sometimes curl nearby, close enough to feel together but far enough to feel safe.

There was affection.

And for a long time, I thought affection meant harmony.
I thought love meant compatibility.

But Ashaki slowly taught me something that applies not only to animals, but to human relationships as well:

Affection does not automatically mean alignment.
Love does not automatically mean peace.

Sometimes two beings can care for one another and still not thrive together.

When Love Exists, But Tension Remains

As much as there were sweet moments, there were also moments of stress.

Ashaki was sensitive.
Easily overwhelmed.
Quick to react when she felt unsure or overstimulated.

And I, with my nurturing heart, kept trying to love harder, soothe more, adjust myself further, hoping that with enough patience, everything would eventually feel calm.

But no matter how much affection existed, our energies often clashed.

Not because either of us was wrong.
Not because either of us was unlovable.

But because our needs, temperaments, and ways of experiencing the world were simply different.

This was my first real lesson in understanding that love alone doesn’t always create ease.

Compatibility Is About Nervous Systems, Not Just Hearts

What I began to notice was this:

Ashaki’s nervous system lived in high alert.
Mine longed for peace, softness, and flow.

When one of us relaxed, the other often felt uneasy.
When one of us sought closeness, the other needed space.

We cared, but we didn’t regulate together.

And that’s when it became clear:

Compatibility isn’t just about affection.
It’s about how safe two beings feel in each other’s presence.

It’s about whether your energy calms or activates one another.

It’s about whether connection brings peace… or constant adjustment.

Before continuing, I want to make sure we have a clear understanding of the meaning of “Regulating your nervous system.”

Regulating your nervous system means helping your body return to a state of safety and calm after stress, emotion, or overwhelm.

Or even more simply:

It’s the process of soothing your body so your mind can think clearly again.

When something stressful happens, your body goes into protection mode:
heart races, muscles tense, breathing shortens, thoughts spiral, energy drops or spikes.

Regulation is what brings you back to:
• slower breath
• softer body
• clearer mind
• steadier emotions
• sense of being okay in the moment

It’s your body saying:
“I’m safe again.”

When we are in defense, trauma, and or survival mode, none of the above is happening, at least as far as our mind and body are concerned.

So, imagine your nervous system like water.

Stress throws stones into it, creating waves.

Regulation is what allows the water to settle again.

Not by forcing stillness.
By giving it time, care, and gentleness.

“Regulating your system is the act of calming your body so your emotions and thoughts can settle back into balance.”

or

“It’s helping your body feel safe enough to relax after being activated by stress.”

Why this matters so much

When people are regulated:
• they communicate better
• they feel safer in relationships
• they think more clearly
• they experience more peace
• they react less from pain. Not necessarily less to pain.

When we’re dysregulated:
• emotions spike or shut down
• conflict rises
• depression deepens
• anxiety grows
• misunderstandings multiply

So so much of healing is simply learning how to return to calm. Which is what I’m here to help us do through keen observations, research, and experience. While I certainly don’t have all of the answers and am walking this path with you, it’s great to have your insight and feedback.

The Hard Truth About Loving Without Forcing

One of the most loving things I had to accept was this:

I could love Ashaki without forcing us to fit.

I could care without trying to change her nature.

I could release guilt for not being able to “fix” the dynamic.

Sometimes the most compassionate choice isn’t trying harder,
It’s honoring reality gently.

I find that too many of us human beings have a hard time with healthy compartmentalization and self-regulation, especially when it comes to “love.” Perhaps this has a lot to do with our tradition and its BS, meaning, Belief Systems that were handed down and taught. Maybe it has to do with never having been taught about our over 800 emotions and how, when, and why to express them. 

I know for me it has taken many years to know and to learn what I’m sharing with you now. I was taught that when you love someone, you don’t leave them regardless of the strife, uneasiness, unrest you may be going through with that person, whether it be a family member or not, but especially a family member, because this would be straight and evil abandonment and you are looked upon as a selfish person, especially should children be involved. I was taught that my children came first, and if I had a husband/man, they came first in certain areas. But either way it goes and went, I came last.  I witnessed narcissistic abuse at high levels and was also a person who lived through highly functional narcissism. Been married twice under the instruction of others who carried and yet carry such a mindset today. 

It’s interesting to me how it takes many of us so long to catch on to the truth of what love truly is. Love is not sacrificing our peace of mind and state of being. To expect others to sacrifice such needs in life to me is selfish. 

Compromise, reciprocity, and allowing others to live with dignity. Having and setting strong, healthy boundaries to contain and retain one’s sanity and level of life is not selfish, although those who don’t have your best interest, nor highest good in mind, such things often sound like selfishness. I say this because of the experience. I recognized and chose to acknowledge how, when I set boundaries with certain people, it didn’t resonate well with them in the way I wanted it to appear for both of us. Those specific people would become bent butt angry because they could no longer take advantage of me or my kindness. I’ve learned to say “no,” which is a complete sentence. Heck, I’ve gotten better at telling myself, no. 

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret having the life experiences I’ve had up till this day because I realize and recognize that they all have helped me evolve into the woman I love today. I’m not bitter or angry with those individuals who will come into my life and discover that, This ain’t That, so to speak. 

Just saying, I wish I knew and understood about self-agency. I wish I knew and recognized my nervous system and what it was trying to warn me of in the past. So now the question is, would I have listened? And to be really blunt, it doesn’t matter about the “what-ifs, of the past because some of those people are no longer in this physical realm of life, so I choose to reflect, release, and let go and learn from those experiences to produce a better now and an even better future.

This lesson stretched my heart in ways I didn’t expect.

Because how often in life do we stay in situations simply because love exists?

How often do we confuse attachment with alignment?

How often do we endure tension, thinking patience alone will transform incompatibility into harmony?

Love Can Be Real Even When It’s Not Sustainable

Ashaki, my ex-pet cat, showed me that:

You can love deeply and still acknowledge that something isn’t healthy or peaceful.

You can care and still choose what brings calm to both souls.

You can honor affection without sacrificing well-being.

This realization softened something inside me.

It allowed me to release the idea that love must always mean staying.

Sometimes love means recognizing when two paths are meant to be walked differently.

A Gentle Reflection for You

If you’re reading this and thinking of a relationship, past or present,  I invite you to reflect softly:

• Does this connection bring me peace or constant effort?
• Do I feel safe being myself here?
• Does our energy soothe or strain one another?
• Am I staying because of love… or because of hope that things will change?

There is no judgment in these questions.
Only awareness.

Let’s explore “Unconditional Love.”

Unconditional love says:

“I care about you. I wish you well. I hold compassion for your journey.”

It does NOT say:

“I will accept pain, disrespect, or emotional harm to prove love.”

This is where many people get hurt, confusing love with self-abandonment.

How unconditional love actually feels (not looks)

It feels like:

• peace instead of anxiety
• compassion without control
• care without resentment
• presence without pressure
• acceptance without losing yourself

If love constantly hurts, exhausts, or erases you, it’s not unconditional love.
Its attachment mixed with fear.

🔥 The spiritual truth beneath unconditional love

At its core, unconditional love is:

Seeing the humanity in someone without needing to carry their behavior.

It’s the ability to hold empathy while still honoring your own worth.

It’s love with wisdom.

How did/do I see this as wisdom? Let’s identify what wisdom is by definition.

The simplest truth about wisdom

Wisdom is the ability to see clearly, without fear, illusion, or emotional charge distorting what’s true.

Or even more gently:

Wisdom is when understanding brings you peace instead of confusion.

Not urgency.
Not panic.
Not self-doubt.
Not drama.

Clarity that feels calm is almost always wisdom.

Emotions say:
“I feel hurt — react now.”

Fear says:
“Protect yourself — hurry.”

Ego says:
“Prove something.”

Wisdom says:
“Pause. Breathe. See what’s actually happening.”

Wisdom doesn’t rush.
It doesn’t need to win.
It doesn’t scream.

It quietly knows.

How wisdom feels in the body (this is key)

When you land in wisdom, most people notice:

• shoulders soften
• breath deepens
• thoughts slow
• heart feels steady
• clarity appears
• less urge to fix or force

It feels like:
“Oh… I see.”

That settling feeling is your nervous system regulating, which allows wisdom to surface.

Signs you’re operating from wisdom (your own)

You’re likely in wisdom when:

✔ you can hold compassion and boundaries together
✔ you understand without excusing harm
✔ you accept reality instead of fighting it
✔ you choose peace over proving a point
✔ you see patterns clearly
✔ you don’t need others to change for you to be okay
✔ you trust what feels calm and clear

Wisdom simplifies.
Drama complicates.

Where wisdom comes from

Wisdom grows from:

• lived experience
• reflection (which you’re probably already doing beautifully)
• emotional healing
• learning from pain without becoming bitter
• listening inward instead of reacting outward

It’s pain that has been processed, not just survived.

This is one of the primary reasons why reviewing how you’re showing up in Life and putting forth the effort of becoming the highest version of yourself matters so much.

🪞A reflection for recognizing your own wisdom

Ask yourself in moments of uncertainty:

“Does this choice bring calm clarity or anxious urgency?”

Peaceful clarity → wisdom
Anxious urgency → fear

Does anxiousness give you clarity? … maybe it does for you. But, I’ve yet to have both at work for me, and the results are clarity. I have to choose one to gain clarity and hear wisdom.

Another good one:

“If I weren’t afraid right now, what would I know is true?”

The answer that feels steady is usually wisdom.

Wisdom isn’t having all the answers.

It’s having the ability to see reality with honesty, kindness, and calm.

And if you’re here, and it’s resonating with you, then know that you are on the right path to healing and becoming aware of your return to wholeness. In my opinion, to do so is to become the best and highest version of yourself!

A reflection

Unconditional love does not ask us to suffer to prove our hearts are pure.

It simply asks us to care, while still caring for ourselves.

Love can be infinite.
Access should be intentional.

And sometimes the most loving thing we can do is step back with compassion instead of staying in pain.

A one-line definition

“Unconditional love is compassion without control, care without self-sacrifice, and connection without losing oneself.”

or

“It is loving someone as they are, while still honoring what you need to remain well.”

Ashaki’s Quiet Gift

Ashaki came into my life not just as a pet, but as a teacher.

Through her, I learned:

Affection is beautiful.
But compatibility is what allows love to breathe.

And both deserve to be honored.

I have more clarity of wisdom, and just as important, I have entered a portal of what it means to have and to live with self-agency.

Here is a highly recommended book by Coach Katie’s e-books.

Understanding Attachment Styles: Nurturing Healthy Relationships

It is always my desire and true intention to do no harm to anyone. Please always consult your mental health practitioner before expanding any new mental health and wellness plan. Your mental and overall health care is number #1, and no one knows you better or best than you.

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~ Coach Katie